Groundhog Day

Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found."  --Pema Chödrön

Leave it to someone with a fresh mind and bitter heart to rip out mine.  I like to think myself strong and balanced, capable of taking on the world and (with all the merit I attained during the day) capable of saving humanity from it's ignorance.  Hah!  The only thing I am capable of saving is a spider from going down into the garbage disposal.  My success, measured by my grown children's sentiments, keeps me in fear of the day they publish their autobiographies "Mommie - not so Dearest."  Is it really just the time in their lives when they seek autonomy and pleasure in the world, then experienced gained, they go about becoming contributing members?  I remember feeling that fire too but I only remember once that I directed it toward my mother.  I still feel guilty because I did not take the time to have more compassion. 

It is not my job to make them honor and obey.  I am just not interested in the root of ego.  I am not looking for their apologies nor their regrets.  I only wish I could redirect their ardor toward solving the world's problems. Yet the paradox of knowing that the heartbreak will come from broken dreams and desperate hope.  Perhaps my own weariness and frustation is that I am still trying to protect them from living a jaded and complacent life.  Perhaps to their chagrin, as much as they are fighting, they are following in my footsteps and the footsteps of our forebears.  How difficult - a little family drama is the drama of samsara.

Alas-- tonight, Castello di Gabbiano Chianti.  An absolute delight to the pallate and the mind. 

"Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life!"  -- F. Scott Fitzgerald