"Only in an open, nonjudgmental space can we acknowledge what we are feeling. Only in an open space where we're not all caught up in our own version of reality can we see and hear and feel who others really are, which allows us to be with them and communicate with them properly." Pema Chodron
I heard a story of a little boy whose father was very strict. His mother cowered under his father's demands and threats. When the little boy would go to bed at night, his father would come into the room, strip him of his clothes and beat him with a belt, until he bled. His mother could only watch in terror.
When I found out who this boy was, I was relieved. Not because of the family's pain or shame, but because I could finally let go of the hurt I held onto for so many years. I could understand the criticism and self- hatred I felt, and the confusion I felt for my stepfather. I could relate to his confusion and pain. He was this little boy. Being a mother that enjoyed every moment of my little boy's life, I was devastated. How can you allow your child such treatment? How can you have so much fear that you can't get away? Unfortunately, I know how his mother felt also, having been in similar situations. It demands a lot of courage to get away from both physical and mental abuse.
Feeling powerless, ashamed, and afraid, I have been unable to stand up for myself throughout my life. I thought I outgrew these things, and as my onion layers peel away, I am more like I was in the beginning as if I never learned a thing at all. My karmic cruise must be astern, or maybe that is just karma, samsara... same thing, different day. I always hated that phrase since I thought was just a copout for a lazy person not to do any soulwork. Now I think it is just compliance, so that life is easier, and you can just go to bed and sleep peacefully.
Alas, tonight Chianti - 5 oz times 2 (since all I have to do tommorrow at work is show someone how to file... and I still have shorttimer's...) and maybe I can get Mr Lucky to visit me again... He is terrified of being upstairs and I am not sure if he hasn't also had an alien probe visit ;) (another story...)
